Tales of a Sassy Witch
by TheDarkLindsey
Summary: I got bored like always and decided to put me and my friends into a fanfiction. Slight slash and mild language.
1. A Girl Named Lindsey

Tales of a Sassy Witch

4/29/12

Chapter One - A Girl Named Lindsey

"Ms. Black, it would do well if you would pay attention!" Snape roared at me, small bits of spittle flying from his open maw. I pretended to yawn at him, and his face got even redder - if that is even possible.

"Professor, how many times do I have to tell you? It's _Lupin_-Black. Do I have to tattoo it to my forehead for you to get it right, or just call you _Severus_ every day until you call me by my proper name?" Audible gasps were heard all around the Potions classroom at my sass. Snape's face just got a shade or two redder.

"Ten points from Ravenclaw for your sass, and ten more points for the incorrect use of your Professor's name," Snape said, face turning back to its usual pale color. I just smirked at him, and watched as his lips thinned.

"Only twenty points, Professor? Damn, I think Snape's gone soft," I say, and silence is the only thing my comment is met with. I swear, I think Snape's lips couldn't thin anymore. Good.

"Ms. Lupin-Black, detention for the next two weeks, suspended trips to Hogsmeade for the next month, and fifty points from Ravenclaw for cursing and soiling the name of your Professor," Snape said, turning around and continuing to write instructions on his board. I do my best Snape-smirk, and silently cast a charm on Snape.

Snape will now have the sign 'Kiss me if you find me sexy' on his back for the rest of the day. If no one says anything, of course.

Man, it's good to be Sirius' and Remus' adopted daughter.


	2. Detention and Chocolate Frogs

Chapter Two - Detention and Chocolate Frogs

The next day, or night as it is, I stand in the Potions classroom, up to my elbows in filthy cauldrons. I continue to scrub them, one of my smirks on my face. Snape is sending me scowls every five minutes, but otherwise he is grading essays. My smirk widens; wait until he gets to _my_ paper.

Just as I get to my fifth to last cauldron, I hear Snape's chair scrape the floor and him standing up. My smirk grows even more.

"Ms. Lupin-Black, THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!" Snape roared, waving my paper in my face. I just ignore him, and continue scrubbing. This annoys Snape, apparently.

"DON'T IGNORE ME, BLACK! THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR, AND IT IS THE LAST STRAW! GO TO DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE RIGHT NOW!"

I roll my eyes at the use of Father's old name. I put down the sponge I had been using to clean cauldrons, then used my wand to clean the rest of them and put them away on their shelf. Snape's lips curled back, showing his sharper-than-normal teeth. I stick my wand back in my pocket, and stroll out of the classroom, whistling as I go.

I soon reach Dumbledore's office, and the gargoyles immediately spring to life, asking for the password.

"Blood pops," I say, remembering quite clearly the password from two days ago. The gargoyles spring apart and let me pass. I jump on the moving spiral staircase, and am on my way to Dumbledore's office.

When I reach the door to his office, I immediately walk in, not even knocking. Dumbledore and both Father and Dad look up at me, and immediately my parents' faces darken slightly. Dumbledore just grins at me as if I am not in trouble at all, but just coming for a visit.

"Ms. Lupin-Black, is there a problem? You are back quite earlier than usual," Dumbledore says, not even looking the slightest bit miffed at me not knocking.

"Snape's tripping again," I say, plopping down into the seat across from Dumbledore, ignoring Dad's disapproving glance, and Father's smirk of approval. Dumbledore put down his quill, and clasped his hands together, waiting for me to continue.

"All I did was turn in an essay about how Snape would be much more happier if he got laid, and suggestions about who to go shag. I, of course, put Malfoy Sr.'s name on the list, and a few others like Bellatrix and Voldemort, but still, he is tripping," I say, grinning widely at Dad's shaking head, and Father's booming laughter.

"Lindsey, how many times do I have to tell you to stop bothering Severus like this? This is the twentieth time in a _month_ that you have been here, and all because of ignoring Snape's authority," Dumbledore says. I sigh.

"I wouldn't ignore his authority if he actually had some," I quip, making Sirius laugh even harder, and Remus to put a hand to his forehead like he had a migraine. He probably did.

"Lindsey, you need to stop this feud between yourself and Severus just because of who your parents are. Must I remind you that you disobeyed me in your first year and became an unregistered Animagus, almost getting yourself sent to Azkaban?" Dumbledore says, and I roll my eyes at him.

"But Father(Sirius) and Dad(Remus) got that straightened out immediately, as well as you. And I still think that my Animagus form is pretty bitching, if I do say so myself," I say, and smirk when Dad shoots me a withering glance, and Father just continues to laugh his ass off. Dumbledore sighs, and puts a hand over his eyes.

"What is your punishment for Severus?" Dumbledore asks, sounding as old as he looks.

"Two weeks of detention, a month of suspended Hogsmeade trips, and points from Gryffindor. Not to mention the essay I have to redo, and a roll of parchment on the effectiveness of wolfsbane in a few potions that don't take too kindly to wolfsbane," I say.

"Okay, here is what I can do for you, Lindsey: I can take away the suspension from Hogsmeade, make it one week detention, and give you back 1/4 of the points lost. Now, please get back to your common room before Severus comes in and kills you himself. As for both of the Mr. Lupin-Blacks', I do wish that you would try to control your daughter a bit better," Dumbledore says. Sirius smirks.

"Trust me, we've tried," Sirius says, sending me a loving look.

"She's tough to control, just like her father," Remus adds, sending me an accusing, but loving look.

"Gotta go. Love you, Dad. Love you, Father," I say, walking towards the door.

"Love you," my parents say in unison. I smile and head towards my common room.

About 3/4 of the way there, I am grabbed from behind by someone. I turn around, only to come face to face with Snape. He looks peeved, and I assume he just found my . . . present to him in his desk.

"Ms. Lupin-Black, I don't appreciate having exploding condoms in my desk if I don't use them, nor do I appreciate the singing card with a crude drawing on the front, and an even cruder poem on the inside," he said, cheeks slightly turning pink. I smirked at this.

"Oh, well I thought you might. . . _enjoy_ something along the lines of what I sent to you. Didn't know how well you would like it, though," I say, trying to sound innocent. It doesn't work; it _never_ does.

Snape just shakes his head and hands me back the crude card, and I smirk when I see the drawing I did of Snape and Lucius doing something. . . inappropriate to most eyes. I smile sweetly - or try to; Lord knows I can't - and tuck the card away in my robes like I enjoy the picture. Maybe I do, I'm not telling.

Anyways, Snape is eyeing me carefully, and I just ignore him and head back towards my common room, leaving him to sulk in the dark corner or the corridor.

When I reach the portrait to the common room, I quickly answer the riddle and step inside the common room, closing the portrait behind me. It is late, so hardly anyone is here. Well, everyone, except for my partner-in-crime and best friend, Libby Dumbledore (don't ask who her mother is, because it is Minerva McGonagall, and it is disturbing. Oops, gave it away!).

Libby is reading a book on how to annoy teachers, the one I gave her for Christmas a few years ago, and doesn't notice me come in. In front of her on the table is the homework I haven't started on, and some candy. I instantly grab for a Chocolate Frog, but she smacks my hand away, not even looking up from her book.

"Nu uh, Lindsey. That is _my_ candy, and you don't deserve any," she says, and I can hear the suppressed laughter in her voice.

"Aw, but all I did was get detention for a week with Snape, and get only about half of our House points taken away. Doesn't that deserve at least a teensy bit of the candy?" I ask, putting on my sweetest sounding voice. It works, and Libby laughs, putting down her book and giving me a Chocolate Frog. I instantly tear it open and stuff it in my mouth.

"About that. . . I heard your parents aren't too happy."

"Well, Father was ecstatic about me following in his footsteps. Dad, on the other hand, well. . . Let's just say he'll get over it sooner rather than later," I say, putting the wizard card in my pocket; Salazar Slytherin again.

Libby shakes her head and motions to the pile of homework on the table in front of her.

"I hope you did your homework, because I need a bit of help with mine."

"Nope. Didn't do a thing before my detention. Oh, speaking of which. . ." I pull out the card I drew and put in my pocket earlier. The one with the crude drawing on it, and the crude poem in it. I hand it to Libby, who immediately reads it, then bursts out laughing.

"Oh my God! Did Snape crap a castle when he saw it, or just give you more detention?" she asks between laughs.

"Neither. In fact, he looked like he actually kind of enjoyed it in a way," I say, grabbing another Chocolate Frog and stuffing it into my mouth like I did the first one. Detention with Snape cleaning cauldrons really takes a lot out of a girl. I got another Rowena Ravenclaw card, and put it into my card. I gather up the rest of the sweets, and head towards the dormitories, Libby not far behind.

When we reach the dormitory, we immediately change into our pajamas and get ready for bed. Tomorrow is Saturday, and a Hogsmeade day as well, so we want to get up early so we can hit the shops early.

Lying underneath my warm covers, I think of my parents and smile before falling into a

deep, delightful sleep.


	3. Hogsmeade Trip

Chapter Three - Hogsmeade Trip

I woke up abruptly to the sound of Libby singing a Michael Jackson song, and smiled sleepily. Libby loved her Michael Jackson, and so did I. The other students of Hogwarts thought we were weirdos, but we didn't care; we've been called worse than weirdos in our lifetime.

I decided to get up, and had just thrown my legs over the side of the bed when an owl landed on the top of my head. I chuckled and held out my arm so Sevcius could land on it. He did, and nipped at my fingers affectionately. He was a common eagle owl, but he was named after Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy's names combined, something I take pride in inventing.

Anyways, I let Sevcius stay on my arm as I get up and walk over to Libby's stereo, going to attempt to turn it off. Before I make it even 1/4 of the way there, Libby is in front of me and she's got that look on her face that tells me that if I attempt to turn it off, she will personally break my arm off and feed it to the Giant Squid. I nod at her, and head for the window.

I quickly open the window, letting in the fresh morning air. I take a deep breath, and smile when Sevcius flaps his wings a couple of times, signaling he wants to go out and hunt. I raise the arm he's perched on a little higher, telling him he is more than welcome to go. He hoots affectionately before taking off into the sky. I watch him for a few minutes, then turn away from the window and go to get ready.

In less than ten minutes, Libby and I are on our way to the Great Hall for breakfast. By the time we get there, we are flagged down by our other best friend, Steve. He is in Hufflepuff, and absolutely obsessed with plants. That's why he gets along with Professor Sprout so much.

We motion to the Ravenclaw table, and he gets the hint, coming over to sit on the right of me, while Libby sits on my left. We pile up our plates, and dig in. Just as we are about to finish, our last two friends come in. Lara from Gryffindor, and Bri from Hufflepuff like Steve. They sit at the Ravenclaw table as well, across from the rest of us.

Soon, we are all heading out to go to Hogsmeade, our pockets full of our allowances. We reach the giant doors that lead out of the castle, and I smile when I see my parents. Apparently, they are going to supervise us today. I tell my friends to wait a minute, and they nod and smile.

I head over to my parents, and give them a hug. They hug me back and tell me not to spend all of my week's allowance today. I give them my trademark smirk, and they overlook it, telling me to get moving. I give them a peck on the cheek, and then I join my friends again. We all head out to Hogsmeade.

On the road to Hogsmeade, Libby and I get into our old discussion.

"Okay, so I still think Snape and Lucius would make a decent couple," I say.

"No, no, no. Harry and Lucius would make a good couple," Libby retorts.

"Ugh, God no. Lucius is at least a fourth of a century older than Harry. Besides, the Weasleys and the Malfoys hate each other, and Harry shouldn't pick and choose like that."

"What if he didn't have to?" Libby asks me, raising her eyebrow. I snort.

"As if. You know as well as I do that the Malfoys wouldn't swallow their pride to associate with the people who don't care about blood, and the Weasleys would never forgive the Malfoys for all they have done just because they do care about blood."

"Guys, come on, this is the 5th time this week you have debated this. Shut up and give our ears a rest," Bri says. I shoot her a glare, but then smile at her.

"Fine. Where are we going first?" I ask our small group. I see smiles all around, and know our first stop is going to be Honeydukes. So, we head there first, talking about Potions and DADA and anything else on our minds.

When we reach Honeydukes, I immediately rush through the door, Steve and Libby right on my tail, Bri and Lara bringing up the rear.

As soon as I smell sweets, my pupils dilate and I head for the Chocolate Frog section. Steve follows me, Libby goes to the Berty Bott's Every Flavor Bean section, and Bri and Lara go to look at the Drooble's Best Blowing Bubblegum section.

My mouth is watering at all the candy, and I get one of those hand baskets, intent on filling it up full of candy. I start putting in as many Chocolate Frogs as I want, then head over to where Libby is.

An hour later, we all walk out of Honeydukes, pockets considerably lighter. I have two full bags of candy, Steve and Libby both have three bags, Lara has one, and Bri has a small bag. We head to Zonko's Joke Shop next, ready to buy some more items to add to our artillery.

Another hour later, we walk out of Zonko's, laughing at a new joke we just learned. I have another bag, and so does Libby and Steve. Lara and Bri didn't buy anything; they aren't as intent on pranking as the rest of us.

Next, we go to the Quidditch shop. Libby and I are on the Quidditch team, and so is Lara. Steve and Bri aren't, but they like watching the games.

Inside the shop, I immediately head off to where the Snitches are. I get one of those, along with a pair of gloves; my old gloves are kind of worn out, so I needed new ones. Libby gets a Snitch like I do, and a nice durable pair of pants for those tough trainings. Everybody else doesn't buy anything, and we head to a robe store.

We all get some clothes in the robe store; I buy some dark blue casual robes, along with some light blue casual robes, a few dark red robes, and a set of silvery robes. Steve buys some light green and dark green robes. Libby buys some bright red robes. Lara buys some dark purple robes. Bri buys some lime green and pink robes (we all stare at her, but she ignore us).

After the robe store, we go to the book store, and spend hours in there looking for books. We all walk out of there with at least two bags loaded with books.

Our next stop is the everyday essentials store that sells quills and things like that. I buy some more quills, parchment, and ink (colored and black). Everybody else buys a little something, too.

Finally, our last stop is the Three Broomsticks. We order some butterbeers and rest our aching feet. I manage to get three or four bottles of butterbeer to drink later, and then we head back to the castle, arms loaded with bags of our purchases.

About 3/4 of the way there, I get everybody to start singing Hakuna Matata. By the time we reach the front doors, we are laughing and out of breath. We all head off our separate ways to go to our dormitories, telling each other we'd meet them at dinner.

When I reach my bed in the dormitory, I flop down onto it, and I can hear Libby do the same (her bed is right next to mine, on the left. To the right of me is the window). We unpack and put away our purchases, then head down to dinner to meet our friends.

All in all, probably one of the best Hogsmeade trips ever.


	4. Lucius Malfoy Comes for a Visit

Chapter Four - Lucius Malfoy Comes for a Visit

I woke up and looked over at Libby's bed. She was still asleep, so I decided to get up and go get some breakfast; I was starving.

Getting out of bed, I put on an outer robe (I didn't feel like changing out of my pajamas) and left for the Great Hall.

When I got there, I noticed that hardly anyone was in there. This, of course, is normal for an early Sunday morning. So, I just walked calmly to the Ravenclaw table, and started to put food on my plate.

About halfway through my plate, I heard someone walking towards me, and turned to look. And almost spewed out all of my orange juice. Lucius Malfoy was walking towards me, Snakey the Pimp Cane in hand, as well as his usual smirk on his face.

Wiping up spewed orange juice off of the table, I imitated my best Lucius Malfoy smirk and waited for Lucius to get to me. It didn't take long.

"Ms. Lupin-Black, what a pleasure it is to finally meet you. I have heard so much about you from so many people, that it's not even funny. I'm serious," Lucius said, his drawling voice drawing me in with every word. I quickly shook myself from some thoughts, and gave him my best 'I'm Lucius Malfoy, bitches!' smirk. It works wonders, I'm telling you; Lucius Malfoy faltered slightly at my smirk.

"Of course you're serious, Lucius, honey. I mean, you have a fucking pimp cane! How could you not be serious? Or, should I say, Sirius?" I started laughing at my own joke, and Lucius' face reddened considerably.

"Stop making fun of Snakey! It's not his fault that he is a pimp cane!" Lucius said, voice getting slightly louder. I made a calming gesture with my hands, and that seemed to work to calm Lucius down. At least a little bit; he still looked pretty angry.

"Whoa, hold on there, Lucius. I wasn't fun of Snakey. On the contrary; I'm jealous that you have such a cool pimp cane. I wish I had one," I say, sounding slightly depressed and let down, which I am.

Lucius thinks for a minute, then nods. Suddenly, I have an idea. A very evil idea. Launching myself at Lucius, I manage to kiss him on the mouth.

After a moment, I notice that Lucius isn't pulling away. I smirk, and then flinch slightly when his arms encircle me. I sigh against his mouth, and he takes that chance to deepen the kiss.

Three minutes later, we finally pull away, and I blush. That was my first kiss, and damn, that was _hot_, with a capital H. I cough and try to avert my eyes from his.

"Um, I think Snape is still in his rooms, if you are looking for him," I say, cheeks reddening. I hear Lucius chuckle, and look up at him. I am surprised to find him smiling. Actually smiling.

"Thank you, Lindsey. Would you mind accompanying me to Severus' rooms? I hate to travel around the castle alone. Never know when Dumbledore will pop out of thin air and try to attack me," Lucius said. I nod, and together we go to Snape's rooms.

Five minutes later, we are at the door to Snape's rooms and Lucius is knocking on the door with Snakey. We hear a grumble, and then the door opens to reveal Snape. My jaw literally drops to the floor. Snape is only wearing some silk black pajama pants, and damn, he looks good. He is a lot muscular than I thought, but not that creepy amount of muscle that you see on bodybuilders. Just enough muscle to look really good. His hair isn't greasy, but looks so soft. I'm pretty sure I'm drooling, but I don't really care at this point.

Lucius and Snape are talking quietly now, and I finally come back to life when I hear my name.

"Yeah, Lindsey actually kissed me. Guess my sexiness is too much to resist," Lucius was saying.

"Oh, shut up, Lucius. Just because I told you that you could expand some of your options, doesn't mean that I don't want to lose my boyfriend to one of my students," Snape says, sounding moodier than usual. Which makes sense, considering that it is about 8:00 on a Sunday morning. Just then, Snape's words sink in.

"WHAT? I WAS RIGHT, AND YOU TWO ARE GOING OUT? DAMN, I'M GOOD!" I practically yell, surprising the two men with how loud I'm being. For me, that's normal.

"Yes, you insufferable Black. . . I mean, Ms. Lupin-Black, we are together. Got a problem with that?" Snape snapped (no pun intended. Okay, maybe slightly) at me. I just stand there shocked for a minute, before I close my mouth and shrug it off.

"So, now that I'm here, wanna go have some. . . fun?" Lucius asks Snape, waggling his eyebrows at the younger man. Snape smiles, and I swear my heart stops; Snape NEVER smiles. Not for anything.

"I think that can be arranged," he says, and I am unfortunate enough to see those two start making out before I turn around and start running back towards the Great Hall. Man, this morning is just getting weirder and weirder.

And it's not even noon yet.


	5. One Happy Ending

Chapter Five - One Happy Ending

Almost five months after I learned that Lucius and Snape were lovers, I learn that Draco and Harry are going out, and are going to get married in about a year. Meanwhile, Snape and Lucius have invited me to their wedding. I swear, this year is just plain weird.

Sirius and Remus want to go the wedding, but only so that Sirius can annoy Snape. I swear, he will never grow up, but I don't want him to. Remus says I get my bad streak from him, and I think he's serious.

Libby, Steve, Bri, and Lara all found out about Snape and Lucius and what happened to me that morning, and I swear that I will never hear the end of it for as long as I live.

Except for all of that, everything is going back to normal, and everyone is preparing for Snape and Lucius' wedding. Apparently, Snape is going to become a Malfoy, and let his little sister, Taylor, have the Snape Manor.

Since the year is almost up, I wonder how well my friends and I will get along without magic to help us in the Muggle world. Guess we'll get along fine, considering we live in the same neighborhood. I just hope that next year, I won't get a surprise like this ever again.

Knowing me, I probably won't be so lucky.

But at least I have friends to be there for me.

And that's how it will always be.

Fin!


End file.
